im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I checked into jail on foursquare
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
