Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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