I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
