When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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