Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
