mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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