she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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