Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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