it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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