Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
