Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
