New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
