If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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