i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.