Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
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Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.