I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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