Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
