I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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