mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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