I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
