I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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