seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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