Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
