I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found puke in my bra..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
