I think I died a long time ago.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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