Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
