just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
