My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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