I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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