hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
