My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
