then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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