Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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