So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
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I need a beard to bite.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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