Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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