splinters make it hard to masturbate
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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