Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't deserve a penis
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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