I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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