Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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