I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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