My friends, they love my intelligence
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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