i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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