The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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