Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
