Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
