he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
