I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
