New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
