i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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