dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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