ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
