Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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