i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
