I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
