I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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