There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
