i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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