Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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